The Unexpected Move

Moving back home to the small town I grew up in was never in the books for me. I like to feel as if I’m moving forward in life and I’m not falling back onto worn steps. But as I sat there on the beach in the cold of the night, It didn’t feel like I took a step back. It felt like I took a step forward towards something new. 

I have to remember to be kind to myself and to others. We’re all going through life for the first time together. 

I’ve had many moments of television static in my head. Sitting down on my bed, the floor, or in a bathtub and not doing anything in particular but listening into the static of the world. It’s moments like this where I start to wonder about the secret answers to society’s questions. What is happiness? Who is family? What is my career choice? Do I have a choice? Who are my friends? Also, is it supposed to be this difficult to think about the things that should make me happy? Shouldn’t I already know and be happy? 

Going back home has granted me one thing; solitude. I can think about all these questions and not be distracted by anyone snapping me back to the reality of now and having to configure in what ways I’ve been productive and contributed to society today. Although, I do want to be productive and contribute to society in a way.

I want to work. I want to write. I want to be successful. I want to read more. I want to do more art. Take more walks. Work out. Go on dates. Camp and spend time outdoors. I want to make money. Build my website. Make more videos on Adobe Premiere Pro. I want to enter all my clothes in an app on my iPad that I can search through like a virtual closet like in Clueless. I want to travel. Learn how to ski. How to fish. How to backpack. I want to write about it all and create videos of it all.

I want to do so much that I end up getting overwhelmed on where to start. Being on your own out of school has left me in the middle of nowhere. There’s no one assigning me notes to do or telling me where to go. I have ideas but no idea on how to start them. I don’t know anyone who wants all the things that I want and who has done all the things that I want to do. No one to talk to about any of this for some advice on where to start. 

Or how to begin. So, I guess I’ll begin here with a rant that shows basically who I am. Someone with a scattered brain, restless sleep, depression, and a drive for more. One of many forms of what being a human being looks like.